The next chapter

 For a few weeks ago I posted about the fact that I was accepted into the flcc are in program traditional route because of the fact that you know I failed the fundamentals challenge exam which bothered me quite a bit I will be going through their traditional program.

I also will be continuing to work as a full-time contract LPN hopefully through the entire program at strong and working overnights on the flex team because it is giving me amazing opportunities and experience that I probably wouldn't have gotten otherwise.

But unfortunately I am resigning my position as an LPN at the VA because I refuse to be part-time and they don't want to have me work per diem, which hurts my heart in the aspect that I love the veterans that I take care of and I can't do that anymore because I refuse to work in a facility that will mandate me at will and will schedule me at will.

I let my anxiety get the best of me in the last couple weeks because Bubba is going to be going into senior year and a little Miss is going into her junior year and a little freaked out about the fact of going back to school with them being at the tail end of their High School experiences and wanting to enjoy every minute of that but also wanting to be able to provide a better life for them in the long run.  

But as always Bill has been my rock has been my steady mark, giving me Grace and understanding and knowing that while I'm afraid I will press on that most people crumble under the conditions that we put ourselves in yet we thrive on it.

So here's to the next two years of craziness of having two kids graduate from high school and hopefully me graduating from college for the second time while dealing with sports and other life events, hold on here we go.

To my girl on not making the sectionals cut

 To my baby girl my little miss my sweet pea, program for sectional come out tonight and know that you didn't make it this year is heartbreaking and knowing that you've been training through injury after injury after injury and knowing that you are trying your best but you didn't make the cut I'm so proud of you there's so many ways you have way more gumption and drive then I definitely had at your age. And while you didn't make sectionals this year you've had so many PRs this season and whatnot I am so proud of you because you keep pushing even when you didn't want to you kept pushing and that's what truly matters.

I'm truly amazed by the fact that you like the 3,000 m because "just no" that running 7 and 1/2 laps around track not my cup of tea but yeah you do it and you love it.  

Now this time for you to rest for a little bit and that's a good thing because your body needs and in a few weeks start training for cross country and hopefully you'll be my 5K time because that's what I want for you to be able to own it and surpass my time because you are amazing.

So on Saturday we will go to Sectionals to see and support your friends and teammates that made the cut and hope and train for next year, every way I'm proud of you and all of your accomplishments this year.

One step forward two step backwards

 So today, I took my challenge exam for LPN to RN, Fundamentals of Nursing exam to get into the accelerated LPN to RN program,...AND

I only achieved a 67%, which I meant I failed, and that meant I could do the accelerated program, UGH!  I didn't want to have to take Fundamentals of Nursing in that I'm already practicing LPN and completely disheartened that if I truly want my RN, I'm going to have to do the entire program.  I felt completely defeated because I know that I know Fundamentals yet,...I failed.

After failing the exam, I realize that how much that I want to step up and be a RN versus being a LPN.  And please don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being a LPN but, I just know that I'm meant for more.

So, after some tears, let's be honest a lot of tears.  I'm patience while to see if I will be accepted into traditional RN program.  I'm going to continue to work on finish my A&P II course as well as take Microbiology and Nutrition.

I will get into a RN program, I will complete RN program, I will take my NCLEX for RN, I will become a RN because I truly believe that is my calling. 

My only regret is that I didn't go for my RN/BSN when I went to college the first time around but, unfortunately, at the time I told that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough, that I would only be compared to my Nana, and the list goes on.  I know now that I am good enough, I am smart enough, and I only person I can compare myself to is the person that I was yesterday.  

So, I will patience wait to find out whether or not I will be accepted into the traditional RN program.  I will accept that I will have to take Fundamentals (I will have to bite my tongue that entire semester because I know the reality), as well as the basic Nursing classes.

As always, one step forward and two step backwards.

 

To my MIL

 If you were still here,...

Our bubba probably wouldn't have experience all of the trauma that he has experience because you would have protected him from it.  He would not been groomed and sexual abused for years by a family member; he would not have been put into a program while was a "good" Autistic program wouldn't have been needed for him, had the school been following his IEP plan properly.  Him and his sister would not be in the state that they are because you would have encouraged him to be her protector versus her feeling like he is going to be her obligation someday.  

Our lil miss, would have another strong willed woman to guide her through this ever changing world.  She also may have escaped being sexual abused by a family member because you were never really a fan of my stepmother or her daughter.  We have tried to raise a strong willed, courageous, grateful young lady but, I definitely feel like we have fallen short in a lot of aspects. Despite of her past issue she has became amazing, beautiful, strong, stubborn, talented young lady that you would be so proud of.

Our lil man, you never got to physically meet because you were already gone but, you would have loved fiercely.  He has had tubes put in his ears when he was 7 yrs old, he has ADHD and a learning disability but, he is most amazing loving, caring, outgoing, beautifully pure souled child that I have ever meet.  He was very misunderstood child in his younger ages (i.e. primary school, they didn't realize that he had learning disability).  He can be most stubborn child at times but, he will be damned if someone hurts his family.  

There is not a single day that goes by I feel like that "God" or "high being" took the wrong person because while you and I may have had our differences with each other, I knew you loved Bill, myself, and our children whole heartedly and would have fought tooth & nail for them, as well as prevented them from being sexual abused.  

I know if you were still here, I would have been able to pursue my dream of nursing a lot sooner because we would have you to leaned into to be there for our kiddos.  

You are missed everyday more than word can ever express, we love you mom!

Struggles with aging Bubba

I know in the last few years I have been struggling with what life is going to be like as Bubba ages out of programs and becomes an adult and it kind of hit harder and harder because keys life events keep coming yet, he is at a stand still.  Bubba's official diagnoses are: ASD non-PDD with secondary diagnosis of mood disorder non-specific.  Normal terms Bubba looks normal, has average to above average intelligence BUT, developmental level of somewhere between 5-11 yrs old.  

As well as learning that he was sexual abused over the course of several years, which contributes to some of his inappropriate behaviors that he demonstrates now. 

While Bill & I have always tried to be realistic and continue to try hold Bubba accountable as well as push him, I have finally getting to the point that he has reached his max level and I feel stressed  and anxious as well as tired because I feel like I have failed.  

Why do I feel like I failed?  I feel like I failed in particular about him being sexually abused because I didn't recognize that signs in that we have two other kids that need us and sometimes Bubba was/is a handful so, when certain individuals offered to help and give us a break we gladly took it not knowing what was really going on.  I know that some abusers scare their victims into keeping silent so, they can continue the abuse as long as possible, I know this because I'm a survivor of sexual abuse.  While I feel guilty that we were not able to protect Bubba from being sexual abused, I have also learned that I have let go of some that baggage because he was abused by someone that we trusted, and that person made the choice to do that Bubba as well as betray us in the process.  We have done counseling for Bubba and he understands as much as he can for his developmental age is that it was not his fault that he was abused like that.  

Why do I feel stressed?  I feel stressed because he continues to age physically but, not developmental and society doesn't understand that.  Our first born child will never truly develop to adulthood whereas his siblings will and trying to help him navigate that.  Trying to navigate almost 6 foot tall young man is becoming very difficult at times especially when he is inappropriate behaviors are sexual in nature because he has no filter and things for him tend to be black and white.  

I feel anxious at times especially we have to go out in public with Bubba because he looks like a normal kid until he says something inappropriate or start doing various sound effects (typically at inappropriate times and places).  While I know the sound effects are how he deals with overstimulation as well as his own anxiety, he usually is going at them at inappropriate times and we don't care what others think it difficult especially when others are staring due to his behaviors.

I feel sense of sadness that is two fold because Bill & I will never have golden years with each other because we will be taking of Bubba but, flip side lil miss or lil man will be his health proxy when Bill & I are gone.  I never wanted to place that type of burden on my children yet, that one of his siblings will be responsible for him, and while they are accepting of it most days, they have their days where they do not want to have to care for him.  

Road to my dream of being a nurse

I will start with saying that I love my mom and everything that she has done for us in the last couple years.  When I was 16, I choose to move in with my dad (who basically violated me as a minor to move in with anyways  him) with approval with my mom because she knew that he/stepmother would listen to the fact that I had a learning disability and get the help that I needed to graduate high school.   And they did get the help that I needed but, my stepmother prevented the path that I wanted because I knew that  I wanted to be a nurse as a junior in High School, she told me, "that we didn't work to get your disabilitily diagnosis to have to run off and ruin it by going to BOCES and become an LPN."  So, I didn't go to BOCES my junior and senior years and become a LPN like I wanted, instead I worked hard (not hard enough) to get accepted into UC of SU (at the time) as undecided (I wanted to a PT but, didn't have ACTs/SATs scores to get into the program).  I ended up deciding on Therapeutic Recreation with minor a Psychology, which I completed in 3.5 yrs.  I don't regret not becoming LPN in high school because I don't know if I would have met Bill if that would have been the case.  I do sometimes regret that I didn't go into nursing when I was UCSU first time because I had ACTs scores to go into nursing back then BUT, I was told that I was NOT allow to go into nursing because I would be compared to my Nana, I would never be as good as a nurse as my Nana, I wasn't as smart as the other nurses, I should have gone through BOCES first.  So, I settled to go into Therapeutic Recreation.  I was/am great at writing program on a dime even though, it wasn't what I truely loved.  I graducated in 3.5 years and I was extremely proud of myself because I wasn't ALWAYS underestimated in that I have a learning disability.  I remember walking the stage with my soon-to-be married name because I refuse to give any honor my father/stepmother of my achievements.  I know that seems selfish considering that they were the ones that were able to get my official diagnosis of my learning disability as well as get the help that I needed to graduate high school and get through college BUT, they were the same people stood by knowing that I was physically, mentally, and emotionally being abused and did nothing yet, told me that I deserved it.   So, I worked as Rec Therapist from 2004-2006 then became stay at home mom from 2006 - 2015 because of bubba being autistic it was where I need to be.  Then going back to being a recreational assistant 2015-2017 when I became a CNA and work as CNA 2017-2018, then went to hospital in 2018 as PCT while I went through LPN school and became LPN in 2019. I finally got my dream of being a nurse in 2019 when I passed and got my license as LPN.

Renewing my LPN

 So a couple weeks ago I renewed my license as a LPN,  oh my. Did I think I would be pursuing my RN at this point yes am I at that starting point mostly.  I learned a whole lot in the last three years as being a LPN.  I have learned that I am not valued as being a real nurse because I'm not an RN but, true be told I know that I'm smarter than some of that RNs that I worked with because I have life experience behind me and critical thinking skills that cannot be taught in school. I know when to trust my gut instinct and listen to patients when others tell them, "oh you are just imaging things."  I have been that LPN being there holding their hand and saying it's okay if you're ready, you are cared and loved to let go.   I have been there to tell the family members that their family member was loved and cared for and did not die alone but again, I less valued because I'm a LPN.  I love my patients, residents, second family, however people want to refer to them as but, I'm truly tired of not being taken seriously because I'm a LPN and not RN in that I don't have a degree I'm not as important but, most LPNs especially those that go through a BOCES program in NYS learn as just as much if not than equal to those RNs who receive ADN in NYS.   I  learned what most ADN RNs in 2 yrs, I learned in 11 months just without labs for A&P and microbiology.   I have lost count of how many people have mistaken me as being an RN because of how well-rounded and educated I am as a LPN.  And well that should make me proud it doesn't, it makes me sad because as soon as they realize I'm a LPN, the next question for me, cis when are you going to go for your RN."  Why is it that a LPN on can't be viewed as being educated and well-rounded as an RN? We're both nurses we just have different scopes of practice.  I'm moving forward to get my RN because that my choice in that I want to travel and know that as a LPN I will be limited.  But truly wish that this state in particular would stop underestimating LPNs because we are smart, competent, and well-rounded nurses.