Craziness right now

    So, this week is my spring break from college, which isn't really a break because I'm on call for 3 shifts on top of my regular shifts, study for an exam once we come back from break, 3 papers that are due within the next couple of weeks, ATI assessments due, clinical paperwork, making a Senior Ball dress for my daughter, trying to plan for life in the next 3+ months with Bubba's graduations, Senior Balls, Lil Miss' track meets, Junior Prom, and possible Marching Band, Lil Man's track meets, while still going to school and working full time.  

    I'm not going to lie and say that I did NOT have a little freak out last week when one of my instructors said that our clinicals for 3rd semester would be on Saturday, I was almost instantly in tears and had to go to the bathroom to try to get my emotions in check.  In that moment, I knew that if clinicals were going to be on Saturdays that I would have to withdrawal from the fall semester of 2024 because I refuse to miss any of Lil Miss' Senior year XC meets because it was time I knew I wasn't going to get back and I was unwilling to sacrifice her Senior year for me to further my education.  Thankfully, I was able to get clarification and that 3rd semester clinicals are on Wednesdays, classes are on Thursdays and Fridays.  I feel like I'm in thick of it now with being in this program BUT, I will 100% put it ON HOLD for my kiddos because at the end of the day, time is a thief and the experiences that they are going through right now we can't get back.

    It is such strange and unique time to be in with our kiddos because I'm in college while my older two kiddos are getting ready to embrace that journey for the first time.  I'm trying to balance being a college student while helping them navigate and research their paths towards college life with little to no responsibilities other than just school.  Bubba graduates in June, and trying to help navigate this next step is been way more challenging because we don't really have any direction in how to help or guide him.  I mean I have already reached out to where he has been accepted to start the process of various services that he is eligible for but, we have still various meetings with his current school that we have to do as well as various meetings that we (including him) will have to have before he starts school in August.  Whereas, Lil miss still has her Senior year high school, she has decided that she no longer wants to go into nursing (which definitely made me sad and heartbroken) but, wants to pursued  criminal justice (focus on being children).  

    So, this journey for the next year should prove to be interesting because we are going help Bubba navigate his first year of college as well as help navigate Lil miss navigate her last year of high school while trying to find a college that will her pursed her career path into criminal justice while we still work full time and I go to school full time.

    I will say that May 2025 can't come soon enough because I want to be done and graduated my RN school, I want to slow time down just enough because I want Lil miss to enjoy each single second of her Senior year because she won't ever to be able to get that time back.  

I'm continuing the journey

    As I was driving to work for another overnight shift, yes, I prefer overnights versus day shifts.  My mind tends to race and wonder at the same time, which I haven't decided is a good thing or a bad thing.  I was replaying some of the conversations on Christmas day at my Nana's house, now reflecting back on the conversations, I feel like I'm in stuck in a place that I'm far too familiar with and it isn't something that I like but, have accustom to growing up as well as now as an adult.  

    I have accepted that I'm not my older sister and while I know that she is academically smarter than I am, I will always have work twice as hard as her to achieve the grades that she gets naturally.  I know that I work hard for my grades and given that my learning disabilities is in reading/writing comp, that I was able to graduate with a BS in Recreation Therapy with minor Psychology in 3.5 years with a 2.96 GPA, I finished LPN school with GPA 3.86, and I finished my first semester RN school with official GPA 3.169 is pretty awesome.  I have always been took that my disability was NOT a crutch and I was better than it yet, which was true as long as I didn't out shine my older sister.

    A little background, I finished high school on time and was accepted to Utica College of Syracuse University (that's what it called at the time, it is now called Utica University).  I finished my BS in Recreation Therapy with Psychology in 3.5 yrs, while being in abusive relationship, having a full capsule re-shift of my left shoulder (May 2001), meeting the love of my life, breaking the cycle of abuse, continuing to finish my education while my fiancé (at the time) was stationed oversea, "walking the stage" and instead of being congratulate was asked, "when are you going to pay back the loans we had to take out for you to finish school."   I remember feeling like I had accomplish so much but, it didn't matter because I wasn't my older sister and I truly didn't matter.

    In 2016, I received my PCA , then in 2017 I received my CNA, then in August 2019 I received my LPN but, that was after my older sister receiving her RN in March 2019 so, my achievement was lessen because she achieved a higher level in nursing than me.  While my mom and nana attended my graduation for my LPN, it was viewed as less as important because my older sister was already RN.

    Again, I was reminded that while I'm contracted to level I trauma center/teaching hospital and probably the best in the area we live in, "it too big, its like mall, it kills people, and so on."  I left with the feeling, "did I make the right decision to go as in-house travel NURSE, if this is how my extended family feel about this place."  

End of First Semester

    Finished first semester with B in HC 1 (6 credit course), B+ in Pharm (1 credit course), A in PN 1 (1 credit course), with overall GPA 3.16 and while I'm not completely happy about my GPA (because of me comparing myself to my older sister when I understand & know that we are two very different people), I will try to give myself grace knowing that we have 3 teenagers in sports, 2 of which at the tail end of their high school years, both Bill and I work full time so, needless to say our lives are VERY busy.

    I wish that I could say that I'm proud of my accomplishments this semester with everything that I have done but, yet I'm sitting here questioning why I didn't do more? I know that I capable of more, I should have tried harder because I know that I can graduate with honors.

    I feel like I'm chasing this impossible dream because while I know that I'm clinical smart and I know what to do in urgent/emergent situations, I know that I have to work twice if not three times as hard as my peers/classmates to get the same grades them. I guess that is why I was hesitated to even consider going back for my RN in the first place. A prime example of being clinical smart versus classroom smart, I failed 3 out of 4 comps first time up this semester because while I know what to do in the clinical "real" world setting, I get so nervous and anxious in "safe" setting that I can't process and/or perform the skills that needed to pass the comps properly (mainly b/c I'm watching and judged). I'm extremely grateful for instructors that tried to give me grace and understanding knowing that I get extremely anxious/nervous while being watch and try to remind me to slow down.

    I have definitely learned through the course of this semester that I'm way harder and have way higher standards for myself than those around me. I'm more knowledgeable than I thought I was, and that I enjoy seeing others' accomplish their goals and/or learning a skill. I have learned that I was truly always meant to be a nurse, I can't explain it other than I can't image be in any other profession.

    I wish that I could say that I'm going to enjoy the winter session off but, that isn't my personality nor my life with 3 teenagers between modified track, varsity bowling, varsity track, winter guard, finished up online Microbiology course, working full time, and Bill working full time and bus trip.  I will try to take a couple of days to step back and realized that I survived my first semester of RN school with overall B, which is pretty awesome. 

The next chapter

 For a few weeks ago I posted about the fact that I was accepted into the flcc are in program traditional route because of the fact that you know I failed the fundamentals challenge exam which bothered me quite a bit I will be going through their traditional program.

I also will be continuing to work as a full-time contract LPN hopefully through the entire program at strong and working overnights on the flex team because it is giving me amazing opportunities and experience that I probably wouldn't have gotten otherwise.

But unfortunately I am resigning my position as an LPN at the VA because I refuse to be part-time and they don't want to have me work per diem, which hurts my heart in the aspect that I love the veterans that I take care of and I can't do that anymore because I refuse to work in a facility that will mandate me at will and will schedule me at will.

I let my anxiety get the best of me in the last couple weeks because Bubba is going to be going into senior year and a little Miss is going into her junior year and a little freaked out about the fact of going back to school with them being at the tail end of their High School experiences and wanting to enjoy every minute of that but also wanting to be able to provide a better life for them in the long run.  

But as always Bill has been my rock has been my steady mark, giving me Grace and understanding and knowing that while I'm afraid I will press on that most people crumble under the conditions that we put ourselves in yet we thrive on it.

So here's to the next two years of craziness of having two kids graduate from high school and hopefully me graduating from college for the second time while dealing with sports and other life events, hold on here we go.

To my girl on not making the sectionals cut

 To my baby girl my little miss my sweet pea, program for sectional come out tonight and know that you didn't make it this year is heartbreaking and knowing that you've been training through injury after injury after injury and knowing that you are trying your best but you didn't make the cut I'm so proud of you there's so many ways you have way more gumption and drive then I definitely had at your age. And while you didn't make sectionals this year you've had so many PRs this season and whatnot I am so proud of you because you keep pushing even when you didn't want to you kept pushing and that's what truly matters.

I'm truly amazed by the fact that you like the 3,000 m because "just no" that running 7 and 1/2 laps around track not my cup of tea but yeah you do it and you love it.  

Now this time for you to rest for a little bit and that's a good thing because your body needs and in a few weeks start training for cross country and hopefully you'll be my 5K time because that's what I want for you to be able to own it and surpass my time because you are amazing.

So on Saturday we will go to Sectionals to see and support your friends and teammates that made the cut and hope and train for next year, every way I'm proud of you and all of your accomplishments this year.

One step forward two step backwards

 So today, I took my challenge exam for LPN to RN, Fundamentals of Nursing exam to get into the accelerated LPN to RN program,...AND

I only achieved a 67%, which I meant I failed, and that meant I could do the accelerated program, UGH!  I didn't want to have to take Fundamentals of Nursing in that I'm already practicing LPN and completely disheartened that if I truly want my RN, I'm going to have to do the entire program.  I felt completely defeated because I know that I know Fundamentals yet,...I failed.

After failing the exam, I realize that how much that I want to step up and be a RN versus being a LPN.  And please don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being a LPN but, I just know that I'm meant for more.

So, after some tears, let's be honest a lot of tears.  I'm patience while to see if I will be accepted into traditional RN program.  I'm going to continue to work on finish my A&P II course as well as take Microbiology and Nutrition.

I will get into a RN program, I will complete RN program, I will take my NCLEX for RN, I will become a RN because I truly believe that is my calling. 

My only regret is that I didn't go for my RN/BSN when I went to college the first time around but, unfortunately, at the time I told that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough, that I would only be compared to my Nana, and the list goes on.  I know now that I am good enough, I am smart enough, and I only person I can compare myself to is the person that I was yesterday.  

So, I will patience wait to find out whether or not I will be accepted into the traditional RN program.  I will accept that I will have to take Fundamentals (I will have to bite my tongue that entire semester because I know the reality), as well as the basic Nursing classes.

As always, one step forward and two step backwards.

 

To my MIL

 If you were still here,...

Our bubba probably wouldn't have experience all of the trauma that he has experience because you would have protected him from it.  He would not been groomed and sexual abused for years by a family member; he would not have been put into a program while was a "good" Autistic program wouldn't have been needed for him, had the school been following his IEP plan properly.  Him and his sister would not be in the state that they are because you would have encouraged him to be her protector versus her feeling like he is going to be her obligation someday.  

Our lil miss, would have another strong willed woman to guide her through this ever changing world.  She also may have escaped being sexual abused by a family member because you were never really a fan of my stepmother or her daughter.  We have tried to raise a strong willed, courageous, grateful young lady but, I definitely feel like we have fallen short in a lot of aspects. Despite of her past issue she has became amazing, beautiful, strong, stubborn, talented young lady that you would be so proud of.

Our lil man, you never got to physically meet because you were already gone but, you would have loved fiercely.  He has had tubes put in his ears when he was 7 yrs old, he has ADHD and a learning disability but, he is most amazing loving, caring, outgoing, beautifully pure souled child that I have ever meet.  He was very misunderstood child in his younger ages (i.e. primary school, they didn't realize that he had learning disability).  He can be most stubborn child at times but, he will be damned if someone hurts his family.  

There is not a single day that goes by I feel like that "God" or "high being" took the wrong person because while you and I may have had our differences with each other, I knew you loved Bill, myself, and our children whole heartedly and would have fought tooth & nail for them, as well as prevented them from being sexual abused.  

I know if you were still here, I would have been able to pursue my dream of nursing a lot sooner because we would have you to leaned into to be there for our kiddos.  

You are missed everyday more than word can ever express, we love you mom!