Struggles with aging Bubba

I know in the last few years I have been struggling with what life is going to be like as Bubba ages out of programs and becomes an adult and it kind of hit harder and harder because keys life events keep coming yet, he is at a stand still.  Bubba's official diagnoses are: ASD non-PDD with secondary diagnosis of mood disorder non-specific.  Normal terms Bubba looks normal, has average to above average intelligence BUT, developmental level of somewhere between 5-11 yrs old.  

As well as learning that he was sexual abused over the course of several years, which contributes to some of his inappropriate behaviors that he demonstrates now. 

While Bill & I have always tried to be realistic and continue to try hold Bubba accountable as well as push him, I have finally getting to the point that he has reached his max level and I feel stressed  and anxious as well as tired because I feel like I have failed.  

Why do I feel like I failed?  I feel like I failed in particular about him being sexually abused because I didn't recognize that signs in that we have two other kids that need us and sometimes Bubba was/is a handful so, when certain individuals offered to help and give us a break we gladly took it not knowing what was really going on.  I know that some abusers scare their victims into keeping silent so, they can continue the abuse as long as possible, I know this because I'm a survivor of sexual abuse.  While I feel guilty that we were not able to protect Bubba from being sexual abused, I have also learned that I have let go of some that baggage because he was abused by someone that we trusted, and that person made the choice to do that Bubba as well as betray us in the process.  We have done counseling for Bubba and he understands as much as he can for his developmental age is that it was not his fault that he was abused like that.  

Why do I feel stressed?  I feel stressed because he continues to age physically but, not developmental and society doesn't understand that.  Our first born child will never truly develop to adulthood whereas his siblings will and trying to help him navigate that.  Trying to navigate almost 6 foot tall young man is becoming very difficult at times especially when he is inappropriate behaviors are sexual in nature because he has no filter and things for him tend to be black and white.  

I feel anxious at times especially we have to go out in public with Bubba because he looks like a normal kid until he says something inappropriate or start doing various sound effects (typically at inappropriate times and places).  While I know the sound effects are how he deals with overstimulation as well as his own anxiety, he usually is going at them at inappropriate times and we don't care what others think it difficult especially when others are staring due to his behaviors.

I feel sense of sadness that is two fold because Bill & I will never have golden years with each other because we will be taking of Bubba but, flip side lil miss or lil man will be his health proxy when Bill & I are gone.  I never wanted to place that type of burden on my children yet, that one of his siblings will be responsible for him, and while they are accepting of it most days, they have their days where they do not want to have to care for him.  

Road to my dream of being a nurse

I will start with saying that I love my mom and everything that she has done for us in the last couple years.  When I was 16, I choose to move in with my dad (who basically violated me as a minor to move in with anyways  him) with approval with my mom because she knew that he/stepmother would listen to the fact that I had a learning disability and get the help that I needed to graduate high school.   And they did get the help that I needed but, my stepmother prevented the path that I wanted because I knew that  I wanted to be a nurse as a junior in High School, she told me, "that we didn't work to get your disabilitily diagnosis to have to run off and ruin it by going to BOCES and become an LPN."  So, I didn't go to BOCES my junior and senior years and become a LPN like I wanted, instead I worked hard (not hard enough) to get accepted into UC of SU (at the time) as undecided (I wanted to a PT but, didn't have ACTs/SATs scores to get into the program).  I ended up deciding on Therapeutic Recreation with minor a Psychology, which I completed in 3.5 yrs.  I don't regret not becoming LPN in high school because I don't know if I would have met Bill if that would have been the case.  I do sometimes regret that I didn't go into nursing when I was UCSU first time because I had ACTs scores to go into nursing back then BUT, I was told that I was NOT allow to go into nursing because I would be compared to my Nana, I would never be as good as a nurse as my Nana, I wasn't as smart as the other nurses, I should have gone through BOCES first.  So, I settled to go into Therapeutic Recreation.  I was/am great at writing program on a dime even though, it wasn't what I truely loved.  I graducated in 3.5 years and I was extremely proud of myself because I wasn't ALWAYS underestimated in that I have a learning disability.  I remember walking the stage with my soon-to-be married name because I refuse to give any honor my father/stepmother of my achievements.  I know that seems selfish considering that they were the ones that were able to get my official diagnosis of my learning disability as well as get the help that I needed to graduate high school and get through college BUT, they were the same people stood by knowing that I was physically, mentally, and emotionally being abused and did nothing yet, told me that I deserved it.   So, I worked as Rec Therapist from 2004-2006 then became stay at home mom from 2006 - 2015 because of bubba being autistic it was where I need to be.  Then going back to being a recreational assistant 2015-2017 when I became a CNA and work as CNA 2017-2018, then went to hospital in 2018 as PCT while I went through LPN school and became LPN in 2019. I finally got my dream of being a nurse in 2019 when I passed and got my license as LPN.

Renewing my LPN

 So a couple weeks ago I renewed my license as a LPN,  oh my. Did I think I would be pursuing my RN at this point yes am I at that starting point mostly.  I learned a whole lot in the last three years as being a LPN.  I have learned that I am not valued as being a real nurse because I'm not an RN but, true be told I know that I'm smarter than some of that RNs that I worked with because I have life experience behind me and critical thinking skills that cannot be taught in school. I know when to trust my gut instinct and listen to patients when others tell them, "oh you are just imaging things."  I have been that LPN being there holding their hand and saying it's okay if you're ready, you are cared and loved to let go.   I have been there to tell the family members that their family member was loved and cared for and did not die alone but again, I less valued because I'm a LPN.  I love my patients, residents, second family, however people want to refer to them as but, I'm truly tired of not being taken seriously because I'm a LPN and not RN in that I don't have a degree I'm not as important but, most LPNs especially those that go through a BOCES program in NYS learn as just as much if not than equal to those RNs who receive ADN in NYS.   I  learned what most ADN RNs in 2 yrs, I learned in 11 months just without labs for A&P and microbiology.   I have lost count of how many people have mistaken me as being an RN because of how well-rounded and educated I am as a LPN.  And well that should make me proud it doesn't, it makes me sad because as soon as they realize I'm a LPN, the next question for me, cis when are you going to go for your RN."  Why is it that a LPN on can't be viewed as being educated and well-rounded as an RN? We're both nurses we just have different scopes of practice.  I'm moving forward to get my RN because that my choice in that I want to travel and know that as a LPN I will be limited.  But truly wish that this state in particular would stop underestimating LPNs because we are smart, competent, and well-rounded nurses.

Musselman 2021

Saturday, July 10 was rough start because I couldn't get log in into active.com to get my QR code for check in process for Musselman 70.3 Ironman.  Thankfully, I was able to find my receipt from my check in time from a couple of weeks ago.  So, we took the bike over to check in as well as get my packet and they accepted my receipt for the check in.  Got my packet, Bill put the sticker on my bike, I went and put on the rack then we went back into Ironman Village and did a little shopping.  Then we are head over to my mom's house for my nephew's graduation party.  We visit for a while and then stopped at Wegmans for dinner stuff.  I was in bed by 8 pm because I knew that I had to be up by 4 am.  

Alarm clock went off at 4 am on July 11, all I could think is, "it is race day, it is go time."  I went downstairs made my typical race day breakfast (oatmeal, banana, and coffee).  Then it was time to get the rest of the house up and going for race day.  We headed out around 4:45ish over to Geneva.  Got to the park around 5:15ish, started walking over to that transition area when I realized that I forgot my timing chip, which looking back on it now, where my anxiety for the race started because until I felt ok and still felt like I could complete this race.  

I went over to the timing booth to get another timing chip, then went to the transition area to set up everything under my bike.  Little did that my anxiety started creeping in and started to have doubts especially with seeing all of the people in the transition area setting up their stuff.  I got my wet suit, then over to Bill and the kids to have Bill zipped up my wet suit.  Bill zipped me up, gave him a kiss good-bye, then went back for over to my transition spot to get a quick drink of my tailwind then go to the line up.  

I lined up with the 50 + minutes swim finish because I figured I was going slow and easy just so I could finish the swim in that I wasn't worried or anxious about the bike or run.  The national anthem played, the cannonball start went off and the rolling start started.  The closer, closer I got the start line, my nerves and anxiety started going up even though, I kept trying to take slow deep breath and positive self talk.  I was finally at the start line,  I was given go head so, into the water I went.

I started walking then I drove in, as soon as I came back up I could feel like my hands and forearm going numb (i.e. my Raynaud's went into full force), I told myself I can do this still, slow and easy.  I started to swim or at least tried.  I was about 150 yards in water, and I started to feel dizzy, little lightheaded, and tunnel.  Thankfully, I had made it to first buoy and then one of the lifeguard/volunteers on paddleboard came over to me.  Ask if I was ok, I said, "No, my hands and forearms are numbs and feet are going numb, I'm not feeling so good."  She asked if I was wanted to continue, I said, "I really want to but, I don't know if I should."  She said well I could rest here for a minute or two then I could decide, I think I waited about 30 seconds and said,"I don't want to give up because I feel like such a failure and I want to disappoint my husband and kids but, I don't think it is safe for me to continue this point in that my Raynaud's is getting worst."  She waved over the boat, I explained to them what was going on then took me over to the exit for the swim, I got on the dock and I felt very weak and very very cold.  I walked over to medical because I was required to get check out by them since I didn't finish the swim.  I explained to medical that my Raynaud's was acting up and I didn't feel safe to continue, they cleared to go.  

I slowly walked back over to the transition area after turning in my timing chip, feeling very defeated, ashamed, disappointed, and heartbroken.  I called Bill and told him what happened as I watch other athletes come in and exit the transition with their bike heading out to the bike portion of the race.  Bill and the kids got to the transition area, we got in a little bit of trouble because we lift my bike or the fence instead of walking it around but, as soon as I explained to security what happened and they looked my bike's number and my bracelet.  They told me to not to do again and go hurry up & get warm.  

We walked slowly back to the van with all of my stuff and my bike.  As much as I tried to hold back the tears, I couldn't because I was so mad at myself that I failed and that 4.5 months of training was for nothing.  Bill and the kids, told me it ok but, I just didn't/couldn't feel that in the moment because I knew I had failed and that sucked a lot.  We finally got back to the van, loaded everything back up, I changed into dry/warm clothes, and we went to breakfast.  

Now, that I have had time to reflect on the training, excitement for the race, the race, and taking DNF, I can say that I'm going to try a couple sprint to try to help me become more comfortable in open water swim before I move up to Olympic and Half Ironman distances.  I'm ok with taking DNF for this training because it just wasn't my time to do that distance and I'm not failure in that I choose to put my health first instead of continue to struggle and possibly making the situation far worst.  As the bracelet (my mom gave me) and charm (my running partner) have given says, "she believed that could so she did."  I will continue to push forward and will complete my triathlon no matter the distance.

Max Out Week's Challenges

 Musselman Half Ironman is only 2 weeks away now, oh boy! As of today, I finished my max out week and it definitely had it challenges that I wasn't totally ready me but, as always I did my best to adjust accordingly.  

First challenge of this was I hard with seasonal allergies that knocked me for a loop that I called off of day on Tuesday.  My only thought was this SO NOT WHAT I NEED right now.  I got some Claritin, Flonase, Mucunix as well as Day/Nightquil just to keep functioning.  Still manage to get my run and bike ride in.

Second challenge of this week was on Thursday when I did OWS because the winds were coming out of the South somewhere between 15 - 18 mph so, Kershaw (which is on the North end of Canandaigua Lake) was VERY choppy.  It was so bad that there were a couple that waves were pushing me towards the buoys with every stroke.  I  choose to stay with the beginner/intermediate group (i.e. more drills and short distance overall) because I don't have a lot of experience with OWS and this help me to get more comfortable with it.  Much thanks to Finger Lakes Triathlon Club for offering the OWS group, I definitely appreciate it.

Third challenge of this week was on Saturday, I did a "drop ride"/preview course ride with FLTC and others not associated with that club.  We were just about out of the State Park in Geneva and my rear tube on the bike popped again, UGH!!!!!!!!!! I was about a mile away from the bike shop and it meant that I wasn't going to be able to do the preview course ride with the group.  So, I headed back to the Geneva Bike Shop, I met two very nice ladies that were walking along the lake, which help me pass the time walking back to the shop because I was disappointed and frustrated in that this was third tube that had popped in the last month.  Finally, got back to the bike shop, and thankfully the guy at the shop was able to fix the problem with the bike (there were a few), I had to replace my cleats because they were done especially that walk. The shop guy suggested how to extend my aerobars and how to adjust my handlebars.

Fourth challenge of this week was also on Saturday, since I wasn't able to do the preview course ride, I did a ride from home and little did I know that I was going to have extended amount of time of headwind that was again somewhere between 15 - 18 mph out of the South as well as going to get really sunburned.  When I started the ride it was overcast looking like it was going to rain and that lasted about for first hour after that it was sunny so, I ended up very burned.  I started the ride from home heading towards Canandaigua so, the wind was behind, got to the end of RTE 247, turned right onto RTE 5&20 heading towards Geneva, once I got to Geneva turned right onto RTE 14 (about 17 miles) BOOM the headwind hit me and hit me hard.  I finally made it back to our house (about mile 33.50), changed my socks because I was getting hot spots on my feet/toes and honestly I needed a breather from the headwind for a few minutes.  I got back on the bike and continued with the ride towards Naples probably should have headed back to Canandaigua because from our house to Naples was just more headwind.  I had every intent to ride to Naples then head back to High Tor park where Bill was going to pick me up.  I got just pass Naples Community Park on RTE 245 and my body was physically done for the day.  Instead of pushing through like I normally, I was at the time frame that my training plan called so, I was ok with stopping.  

Fifth challenge of this week was today, dealing with heat and humidity as well as having my water pack that was somewhat touching my sunburn from yesterday.  The up side of today though, I was able to keep my heart rate in zone 2 for about 80% of the run and that's big deal with when the heat being in the 80s and humidity being somewhere 50 - 60%.

Total mileage for max out week was 72.42 miles 

Start to my 40s

 I didn't sleep very well last night, I kept waking thinking that I was going to miss my alarm because today was "pool day" workout.  I got up for my "pool day" workout, I did 1900 yds in 33 mins, which is pretty good for a pool workout for me as late.  I came home drank a protein shake with a banana, kind of let the day be "lazy" (since I'm suppose to be on vacation from work).  I wanted to let myself reflect on my 30s as well as last 21 yrs because I graduated high school when I was 19.  I'm proud of all what I done, BS degree in Recreational Therapy & minor in Psychology, CTRS, being SAHM, WAHM, recreation assistant, CNA, PCT, and now LPN.  Looking back at the whole picture I wouldn't change being at SAHM or WAHM because it allowed to be there for my children at a young age and educate them.   I have told Bill repeatedly, that my "BIGGEST" regret that I didn't go to BOCES my junior and senior year and get my LPN back then and get my BSN when I was Utica because I definitely had grades, ACTs/SCTs scores for it.  I justify for not getting my BSN because I didn't want to compare to my Nana and I didn't have the support to be a nurse because "I wouldn't good enough."  Yet, I graduated with 2.98 GPA (mind you I have learning disability) in 3 1/2 years and those in education told my parents that I wouldn't amount too much because I wasn't smart enough.  I want to go back to all of those educators that said that to my parents and well thank you because of you, I worked harder to achieve my dreams and now I have Bachelors degree as well as being nurse at VA and I'm very proud of myself and what I have become.  

Here is to next 10 years of craziness and multiple changes, i.e. kids growing, kids graduating, possible going back to school again, and continuing to do marathons/ultramarathons and possible more triathlons.

Approaching my 2 year mark of being a nurse

I'm quickly approaching my 2-year mark of becoming a nurse And I'm constantly questioning why haven't I push myself to go further and get my RN.  Especially, when I'm told that I think and act like RN in my documentation (much thanks to my instructors in school).  Yet, I treat my NAs/CNAs as if they are my backbone and trust their instincts because I once in their shoes and I was fortunate enough to have a couple of LPNs that trusted my instincts as well as push me to go further.  I love being LPN and I love working with Veterans BUT, the biggest draw back with being LPN in the VA is that LPNs aren't used to their full scope of practice.  For now, I will continue to care for the Veterans that service our country and continue to try to push those at be to make VA start using the LPNs to their full scope of practice.