One step forward two step backwards

 So today, I took my challenge exam for LPN to RN, Fundamentals of Nursing exam to get into the accelerated LPN to RN program,...AND

I only achieved a 67%, which I meant I failed, and that meant I could do the accelerated program, UGH!  I didn't want to have to take Fundamentals of Nursing in that I'm already practicing LPN and completely disheartened that if I truly want my RN, I'm going to have to do the entire program.  I felt completely defeated because I know that I know Fundamentals yet,...I failed.

After failing the exam, I realize that how much that I want to step up and be a RN versus being a LPN.  And please don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being a LPN but, I just know that I'm meant for more.

So, after some tears, let's be honest a lot of tears.  I'm patience while to see if I will be accepted into traditional RN program.  I'm going to continue to work on finish my A&P II course as well as take Microbiology and Nutrition.

I will get into a RN program, I will complete RN program, I will take my NCLEX for RN, I will become a RN because I truly believe that is my calling. 

My only regret is that I didn't go for my RN/BSN when I went to college the first time around but, unfortunately, at the time I told that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough, that I would only be compared to my Nana, and the list goes on.  I know now that I am good enough, I am smart enough, and I only person I can compare myself to is the person that I was yesterday.  

So, I will patience wait to find out whether or not I will be accepted into the traditional RN program.  I will accept that I will have to take Fundamentals (I will have to bite my tongue that entire semester because I know the reality), as well as the basic Nursing classes.

As always, one step forward and two step backwards.

 

To my MIL

 If you were still here,...

Our bubba probably wouldn't have experience all of the trauma that he has experience because you would have protected him from it.  He would not been groomed and sexual abused for years by a family member; he would not have been put into a program while was a "good" Autistic program wouldn't have been needed for him, had the school been following his IEP plan properly.  Him and his sister would not be in the state that they are because you would have encouraged him to be her protector versus her feeling like he is going to be her obligation someday.  

Our lil miss, would have another strong willed woman to guide her through this ever changing world.  She also may have escaped being sexual abused by a family member because you were never really a fan of my stepmother or her daughter.  We have tried to raise a strong willed, courageous, grateful young lady but, I definitely feel like we have fallen short in a lot of aspects. Despite of her past issue she has became amazing, beautiful, strong, stubborn, talented young lady that you would be so proud of.

Our lil man, you never got to physically meet because you were already gone but, you would have loved fiercely.  He has had tubes put in his ears when he was 7 yrs old, he has ADHD and a learning disability but, he is most amazing loving, caring, outgoing, beautifully pure souled child that I have ever meet.  He was very misunderstood child in his younger ages (i.e. primary school, they didn't realize that he had learning disability).  He can be most stubborn child at times but, he will be damned if someone hurts his family.  

There is not a single day that goes by I feel like that "God" or "high being" took the wrong person because while you and I may have had our differences with each other, I knew you loved Bill, myself, and our children whole heartedly and would have fought tooth & nail for them, as well as prevented them from being sexual abused.  

I know if you were still here, I would have been able to pursue my dream of nursing a lot sooner because we would have you to leaned into to be there for our kiddos.  

You are missed everyday more than word can ever express, we love you mom!