Craziness right now

    So, this week is my spring break from college, which isn't really a break because I'm on call for 3 shifts on top of my regular shifts, study for an exam once we come back from break, 3 papers that are due within the next couple of weeks, ATI assessments due, clinical paperwork, making a Senior Ball dress for my daughter, trying to plan for life in the next 3+ months with Bubba's graduations, Senior Balls, Lil Miss' track meets, Junior Prom, and possible Marching Band, Lil Man's track meets, while still going to school and working full time.  

    I'm not going to lie and say that I did NOT have a little freak out last week when one of my instructors said that our clinicals for 3rd semester would be on Saturday, I was almost instantly in tears and had to go to the bathroom to try to get my emotions in check.  In that moment, I knew that if clinicals were going to be on Saturdays that I would have to withdrawal from the fall semester of 2024 because I refuse to miss any of Lil Miss' Senior year XC meets because it was time I knew I wasn't going to get back and I was unwilling to sacrifice her Senior year for me to further my education.  Thankfully, I was able to get clarification and that 3rd semester clinicals are on Wednesdays, classes are on Thursdays and Fridays.  I feel like I'm in thick of it now with being in this program BUT, I will 100% put it ON HOLD for my kiddos because at the end of the day, time is a thief and the experiences that they are going through right now we can't get back.

    It is such strange and unique time to be in with our kiddos because I'm in college while my older two kiddos are getting ready to embrace that journey for the first time.  I'm trying to balance being a college student while helping them navigate and research their paths towards college life with little to no responsibilities other than just school.  Bubba graduates in June, and trying to help navigate this next step is been way more challenging because we don't really have any direction in how to help or guide him.  I mean I have already reached out to where he has been accepted to start the process of various services that he is eligible for but, we have still various meetings with his current school that we have to do as well as various meetings that we (including him) will have to have before he starts school in August.  Whereas, Lil miss still has her Senior year high school, she has decided that she no longer wants to go into nursing (which definitely made me sad and heartbroken) but, wants to pursued  criminal justice (focus on being children).  

    So, this journey for the next year should prove to be interesting because we are going help Bubba navigate his first year of college as well as help navigate Lil miss navigate her last year of high school while trying to find a college that will her pursed her career path into criminal justice while we still work full time and I go to school full time.

    I will say that May 2025 can't come soon enough because I want to be done and graduated my RN school, I want to slow time down just enough because I want Lil miss to enjoy each single second of her Senior year because she won't ever to be able to get that time back.  

I'm continuing the journey

    As I was driving to work for another overnight shift, yes, I prefer overnights versus day shifts.  My mind tends to race and wonder at the same time, which I haven't decided is a good thing or a bad thing.  I was replaying some of the conversations on Christmas day at my Nana's house, now reflecting back on the conversations, I feel like I'm in stuck in a place that I'm far too familiar with and it isn't something that I like but, have accustom to growing up as well as now as an adult.  

    I have accepted that I'm not my older sister and while I know that she is academically smarter than I am, I will always have work twice as hard as her to achieve the grades that she gets naturally.  I know that I work hard for my grades and given that my learning disabilities is in reading/writing comp, that I was able to graduate with a BS in Recreation Therapy with minor Psychology in 3.5 years with a 2.96 GPA, I finished LPN school with GPA 3.86, and I finished my first semester RN school with official GPA 3.169 is pretty awesome.  I have always been took that my disability was NOT a crutch and I was better than it yet, which was true as long as I didn't out shine my older sister.

    A little background, I finished high school on time and was accepted to Utica College of Syracuse University (that's what it called at the time, it is now called Utica University).  I finished my BS in Recreation Therapy with Psychology in 3.5 yrs, while being in abusive relationship, having a full capsule re-shift of my left shoulder (May 2001), meeting the love of my life, breaking the cycle of abuse, continuing to finish my education while my fiancé (at the time) was stationed oversea, "walking the stage" and instead of being congratulate was asked, "when are you going to pay back the loans we had to take out for you to finish school."   I remember feeling like I had accomplish so much but, it didn't matter because I wasn't my older sister and I truly didn't matter.

    In 2016, I received my PCA , then in 2017 I received my CNA, then in August 2019 I received my LPN but, that was after my older sister receiving her RN in March 2019 so, my achievement was lessen because she achieved a higher level in nursing than me.  While my mom and nana attended my graduation for my LPN, it was viewed as less as important because my older sister was already RN.

    Again, I was reminded that while I'm contracted to level I trauma center/teaching hospital and probably the best in the area we live in, "it too big, its like mall, it kills people, and so on."  I left with the feeling, "did I make the right decision to go as in-house travel NURSE, if this is how my extended family feel about this place."