6 years

Yesterday was the 6th year Anniversary since my MIL passed away from stage 4 lung cancer.  I looked back over the time that I had her here and we definitely butted heads with each other but, it wasn't that of typically MIL and daughter-in-law relationship.  When Bill and I needed an opinion or were at odds with each other about something, she would listen to both sides then sometimes she would side with him (which I always said well she is just siding with him because it is her son) and sometimes would side with me.  I didn't truly appreciate it at the time when she came to live us when we were stationed in CA.  Look upon it now, I feel so grateful that she did that because it allowed me to continue to work, which is what was needed in that financial we weren't totally ready for him.  I remember being mad as hell at her for leaving when she did, I thought it wasn't fair and I didn't want to talk to her because of it.  Then we found that I was pregnant with MacKenna, she offered to come back because Bill was going to be deploying but, I was still kind of pissed at her so, I told her no, I have always wished that I would have let her back out to stay and help me with WES because I really didn't get to enjoy MacKenna's pregnancy or WES being a toddler due to being overwhelmed by Bill being deployed, being mom/dad to a special need toddler as well as being pregnant.  When she finally met MacKenna (Christmas time), it was amazing to see the bond that she with her and even though, WES had seen her since March (at that point he wasn't Dx with being on the Autism Spectrum, we knew something was wrong in that he hadn't speaking very much if at all), he went right up to her and hug/kiss her like no time had passed.  Even though, 6 years have passed since we said good bye to her, there isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't wish she was here because I miss the relationship we had together and even though, her time so short with her grandchildren, she loved them so much and so proud to their grandmother.

In last few months looking/reflecting over the last 20 years (wow I feel a bit old to say that), I have accepted that I can't change what has happened, I understand that some people in my life will never accept me or be proud of me (that's ok because I accept me and proud of the person that I have become), that change is HARD, I'm grateful for the small things in my life, and I have let go of the past (I haven't forgotten it just not letting it control me anymore).