I know in the last few years I have been struggling with what life is going to be like as Bubba ages out of programs and becomes an adult and it kind of hit harder and harder because keys life events keep coming yet, he is at a stand still. Bubba's official diagnoses are: ASD non-PDD with secondary diagnosis of mood disorder non-specific. Normal terms Bubba looks normal, has average to above average intelligence BUT, developmental level of somewhere between 5-11 yrs old.
As well as learning that he was sexual abused over the course of several years, which contributes to some of his inappropriate behaviors that he demonstrates now.
While Bill & I have always tried to be realistic and continue to try hold Bubba accountable as well as push him, I have finally getting to the point that he has reached his max level and I feel stressed and anxious as well as tired because I feel like I have failed.
Why do I feel like I failed? I feel like I failed in particular about him being sexually abused because I didn't recognize that signs in that we have two other kids that need us and sometimes Bubba was/is a handful so, when certain individuals offered to help and give us a break we gladly took it not knowing what was really going on. I know that some abusers scare their victims into keeping silent so, they can continue the abuse as long as possible, I know this because I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. While I feel guilty that we were not able to protect Bubba from being sexual abused, I have also learned that I have let go of some that baggage because he was abused by someone that we trusted, and that person made the choice to do that Bubba as well as betray us in the process. We have done counseling for Bubba and he understands as much as he can for his developmental age is that it was not his fault that he was abused like that.
Why do I feel stressed? I feel stressed because he continues to age physically but, not developmental and society doesn't understand that. Our first born child will never truly develop to adulthood whereas his siblings will and trying to help him navigate that. Trying to navigate almost 6 foot tall young man is becoming very difficult at times especially when he is inappropriate behaviors are sexual in nature because he has no filter and things for him tend to be black and white.
I feel anxious at times especially we have to go out in public with Bubba because he looks like a normal kid until he says something inappropriate or start doing various sound effects (typically at inappropriate times and places). While I know the sound effects are how he deals with overstimulation as well as his own anxiety, he usually is going at them at inappropriate times and we don't care what others think it difficult especially when others are staring due to his behaviors.
I feel sense of sadness that is two fold because Bill & I will never have golden years with each other because we will be taking of Bubba but, flip side lil miss or lil man will be his health proxy when Bill & I are gone. I never wanted to place that type of burden on my children yet, that one of his siblings will be responsible for him, and while they are accepting of it most days, they have their days where they do not want to have to care for him.
