Struggles with aging Bubba

I know in the last few years I have been struggling with what life is going to be like as Bubba ages out of programs and becomes an adult and it kind of hit harder and harder because keys life events keep coming yet, he is at a stand still.  Bubba's official diagnoses are: ASD non-PDD with secondary diagnosis of mood disorder non-specific.  Normal terms Bubba looks normal, has average to above average intelligence BUT, developmental level of somewhere between 5-11 yrs old.  

As well as learning that he was sexual abused over the course of several years, which contributes to some of his inappropriate behaviors that he demonstrates now. 

While Bill & I have always tried to be realistic and continue to try hold Bubba accountable as well as push him, I have finally getting to the point that he has reached his max level and I feel stressed  and anxious as well as tired because I feel like I have failed.  

Why do I feel like I failed?  I feel like I failed in particular about him being sexually abused because I didn't recognize that signs in that we have two other kids that need us and sometimes Bubba was/is a handful so, when certain individuals offered to help and give us a break we gladly took it not knowing what was really going on.  I know that some abusers scare their victims into keeping silent so, they can continue the abuse as long as possible, I know this because I'm a survivor of sexual abuse.  While I feel guilty that we were not able to protect Bubba from being sexual abused, I have also learned that I have let go of some that baggage because he was abused by someone that we trusted, and that person made the choice to do that Bubba as well as betray us in the process.  We have done counseling for Bubba and he understands as much as he can for his developmental age is that it was not his fault that he was abused like that.  

Why do I feel stressed?  I feel stressed because he continues to age physically but, not developmental and society doesn't understand that.  Our first born child will never truly develop to adulthood whereas his siblings will and trying to help him navigate that.  Trying to navigate almost 6 foot tall young man is becoming very difficult at times especially when he is inappropriate behaviors are sexual in nature because he has no filter and things for him tend to be black and white.  

I feel anxious at times especially we have to go out in public with Bubba because he looks like a normal kid until he says something inappropriate or start doing various sound effects (typically at inappropriate times and places).  While I know the sound effects are how he deals with overstimulation as well as his own anxiety, he usually is going at them at inappropriate times and we don't care what others think it difficult especially when others are staring due to his behaviors.

I feel sense of sadness that is two fold because Bill & I will never have golden years with each other because we will be taking of Bubba but, flip side lil miss or lil man will be his health proxy when Bill & I are gone.  I never wanted to place that type of burden on my children yet, that one of his siblings will be responsible for him, and while they are accepting of it most days, they have their days where they do not want to have to care for him.  

Road to my dream of being a nurse

I will start with saying that I love my mom and everything that she has done for us in the last couple years.  When I was 16, I choose to move in with my dad (who basically violated me as a minor to move in with anyways  him) with approval with my mom because she knew that he/stepmother would listen to the fact that I had a learning disability and get the help that I needed to graduate high school.   And they did get the help that I needed but, my stepmother prevented the path that I wanted because I knew that  I wanted to be a nurse as a junior in High School, she told me, "that we didn't work to get your disabilitily diagnosis to have to run off and ruin it by going to BOCES and become an LPN."  So, I didn't go to BOCES my junior and senior years and become a LPN like I wanted, instead I worked hard (not hard enough) to get accepted into UC of SU (at the time) as undecided (I wanted to a PT but, didn't have ACTs/SATs scores to get into the program).  I ended up deciding on Therapeutic Recreation with minor a Psychology, which I completed in 3.5 yrs.  I don't regret not becoming LPN in high school because I don't know if I would have met Bill if that would have been the case.  I do sometimes regret that I didn't go into nursing when I was UCSU first time because I had ACTs scores to go into nursing back then BUT, I was told that I was NOT allow to go into nursing because I would be compared to my Nana, I would never be as good as a nurse as my Nana, I wasn't as smart as the other nurses, I should have gone through BOCES first.  So, I settled to go into Therapeutic Recreation.  I was/am great at writing program on a dime even though, it wasn't what I truely loved.  I graducated in 3.5 years and I was extremely proud of myself because I wasn't ALWAYS underestimated in that I have a learning disability.  I remember walking the stage with my soon-to-be married name because I refuse to give any honor my father/stepmother of my achievements.  I know that seems selfish considering that they were the ones that were able to get my official diagnosis of my learning disability as well as get the help that I needed to graduate high school and get through college BUT, they were the same people stood by knowing that I was physically, mentally, and emotionally being abused and did nothing yet, told me that I deserved it.   So, I worked as Rec Therapist from 2004-2006 then became stay at home mom from 2006 - 2015 because of bubba being autistic it was where I need to be.  Then going back to being a recreational assistant 2015-2017 when I became a CNA and work as CNA 2017-2018, then went to hospital in 2018 as PCT while I went through LPN school and became LPN in 2019. I finally got my dream of being a nurse in 2019 when I passed and got my license as LPN.

Renewing my LPN

 So a couple weeks ago I renewed my license as a LPN,  oh my. Did I think I would be pursuing my RN at this point yes am I at that starting point mostly.  I learned a whole lot in the last three years as being a LPN.  I have learned that I am not valued as being a real nurse because I'm not an RN but, true be told I know that I'm smarter than some of that RNs that I worked with because I have life experience behind me and critical thinking skills that cannot be taught in school. I know when to trust my gut instinct and listen to patients when others tell them, "oh you are just imaging things."  I have been that LPN being there holding their hand and saying it's okay if you're ready, you are cared and loved to let go.   I have been there to tell the family members that their family member was loved and cared for and did not die alone but again, I less valued because I'm a LPN.  I love my patients, residents, second family, however people want to refer to them as but, I'm truly tired of not being taken seriously because I'm a LPN and not RN in that I don't have a degree I'm not as important but, most LPNs especially those that go through a BOCES program in NYS learn as just as much if not than equal to those RNs who receive ADN in NYS.   I  learned what most ADN RNs in 2 yrs, I learned in 11 months just without labs for A&P and microbiology.   I have lost count of how many people have mistaken me as being an RN because of how well-rounded and educated I am as a LPN.  And well that should make me proud it doesn't, it makes me sad because as soon as they realize I'm a LPN, the next question for me, cis when are you going to go for your RN."  Why is it that a LPN on can't be viewed as being educated and well-rounded as an RN? We're both nurses we just have different scopes of practice.  I'm moving forward to get my RN because that my choice in that I want to travel and know that as a LPN I will be limited.  But truly wish that this state in particular would stop underestimating LPNs because we are smart, competent, and well-rounded nurses.