Alarm clock went off at 4 am on July 11, all I could think is, "it is race day, it is go time." I went downstairs made my typical race day breakfast (oatmeal, banana, and coffee). Then it was time to get the rest of the house up and going for race day. We headed out around 4:45ish over to Geneva. Got to the park around 5:15ish, started walking over to that transition area when I realized that I forgot my timing chip, which looking back on it now, where my anxiety for the race started because until I felt ok and still felt like I could complete this race.
I went over to the timing booth to get another timing chip, then went to the transition area to set up everything under my bike. Little did that my anxiety started creeping in and started to have doubts especially with seeing all of the people in the transition area setting up their stuff. I got my wet suit, then over to Bill and the kids to have Bill zipped up my wet suit. Bill zipped me up, gave him a kiss good-bye, then went back for over to my transition spot to get a quick drink of my tailwind then go to the line up.
I lined up with the 50 + minutes swim finish because I figured I was going slow and easy just so I could finish the swim in that I wasn't worried or anxious about the bike or run. The national anthem played, the cannonball start went off and the rolling start started. The closer, closer I got the start line, my nerves and anxiety started going up even though, I kept trying to take slow deep breath and positive self talk. I was finally at the start line, I was given go head so, into the water I went.
I started walking then I drove in, as soon as I came back up I could feel like my hands and forearm going numb (i.e. my Raynaud's went into full force), I told myself I can do this still, slow and easy. I started to swim or at least tried. I was about 150 yards in water, and I started to feel dizzy, little lightheaded, and tunnel. Thankfully, I had made it to first buoy and then one of the lifeguard/volunteers on paddleboard came over to me. Ask if I was ok, I said, "No, my hands and forearms are numbs and feet are going numb, I'm not feeling so good." She asked if I was wanted to continue, I said, "I really want to but, I don't know if I should." She said well I could rest here for a minute or two then I could decide, I think I waited about 30 seconds and said,"I don't want to give up because I feel like such a failure and I want to disappoint my husband and kids but, I don't think it is safe for me to continue this point in that my Raynaud's is getting worst." She waved over the boat, I explained to them what was going on then took me over to the exit for the swim, I got on the dock and I felt very weak and very very cold. I walked over to medical because I was required to get check out by them since I didn't finish the swim. I explained to medical that my Raynaud's was acting up and I didn't feel safe to continue, they cleared to go.
I slowly walked back over to the transition area after turning in my timing chip, feeling very defeated, ashamed, disappointed, and heartbroken. I called Bill and told him what happened as I watch other athletes come in and exit the transition with their bike heading out to the bike portion of the race. Bill and the kids got to the transition area, we got in a little bit of trouble because we lift my bike or the fence instead of walking it around but, as soon as I explained to security what happened and they looked my bike's number and my bracelet. They told me to not to do again and go hurry up & get warm.
We walked slowly back to the van with all of my stuff and my bike. As much as I tried to hold back the tears, I couldn't because I was so mad at myself that I failed and that 4.5 months of training was for nothing. Bill and the kids, told me it ok but, I just didn't/couldn't feel that in the moment because I knew I had failed and that sucked a lot. We finally got back to the van, loaded everything back up, I changed into dry/warm clothes, and we went to breakfast.
Now, that I have had time to reflect on the training, excitement for the race, the race, and taking DNF, I can say that I'm going to try a couple sprint to try to help me become more comfortable in open water swim before I move up to Olympic and Half Ironman distances. I'm ok with taking DNF for this training because it just wasn't my time to do that distance and I'm not failure in that I choose to put my health first instead of continue to struggle and possibly making the situation far worst. As the bracelet (my mom gave me) and charm (my running partner) have given says, "she believed that could so she did." I will continue to push forward and will complete my triathlon no matter the distance.
